Brain Drips

This is nothing and everything at the same time.

I’m sitting at my desk, a mediocre cup of coldish coffee to my right emotional support pencil in my hand as I tip, tap, type away about nothing and everything at the same time.

The evergreens outside my window are judging me like the always do and I can hear the faint groan of my child waking up in the room next door. I will never not think she doesn’t sound like the little kid from The Grudge that just ‘oooooooos’ and scares the shit out of people.

My brain feels like mush and because I’m a elder millennial with slight anxious tendencies I want to figure out why, why, why!

Is there something wrong with me? Am I stroking out? Am I too tired? Too caffeinated? Dehydrated? Dumb?

AM I BORING?! HAVE I BECOME BORING?!

…and maybe, just maybe, that’s my biggest fear.

I can hear my fossil dog click click click across the laminate floor looking for his people. When I open the door, he’s standing in the middle of the hallway because he’s gone deaf and kinda blind, but he’s still the goodest and cutest boy. Watching your animal age is a blessing and a god forsaken curse at the same time.

My head will not stop pounding with questions.

Should I join a course to learn more about my “job”? Does my kid love me as much as I love her? Does Did I buy that book I wanted? Dinner tonight, what should I make?

Bills, bills, bills, mom, mom, mom, wife, wife, wife, friend, friend, friend.

My shoulders are starting to ache from the two days of working out and the new ink on my arm begins to hit that itchy point where it makes you want to scratch it away off your skin but you know if you do that the tattoo will fad and you’ll probably get sepsis so instead I start to draw spirals Rust Cohle style with my emotional support pencil onto the smoothness of my desk pad.

The groaning continues with a few added bangs against the wall but no, we have boundaries and will not bring her out of her crib until 7am.

Does this make me a bad mom? Probably according to many Facebook groups. Do I care? No (yes, I do actually care a lot).

I stare out my window again. The evergreens seem less judgemental this time, they continue to loom but instead of staring they’re, gazing gently and supportive.

I wait for the bear, the one that’s been on our property. Richie, that’s what I call him. I wonder if he has a bear family in a bear den with bear things. He excites me and terrifies me. I feel honored that he makes his commutes through the property but also cautiously aware that he is top tier, he is alpha everything over anything.

“Being creative takes collaboration” I wrote this in my morning pages, I think it may have been something I actually said.

The Full moon is coming, I can feel it in my emotions.