Pissed, Packing, and 7 Months Pregnant

Hello emotions? Can you take a god damn seat please? Thanks.

I cried in the bathroom stall again this morning.

Hitting a weepy wall, walking around with a pout on my face and sadness in my voice.

See: Emo Years circa early 2000’s

It smacked me dead in the face this morning that I'm too busy swimming in my sad emotions to feel excited for what's to come.

Then I felt guilty about feeling sad and not feeling excited.

So shame decided to stop by the party.

The tears happened later in the day too.

One minute you’re loading the dishwasher, the next you’re snot crying into a bowl you just ate dinner cereal out of while teetering on the edge of hyperventilating and a sweet release.

Damn, dichotomous feelings.

Two things can be true at once

even when living in the gray still feels so hard.

Not wanting to feel loneliness creep in

yet utterly terrified of being smothered.

My brain told me to put on Sound and Color by Alabama Shakes, so I did and cried a little more.

It feels strange closing the door to a chapter you've actually loved to write.

Later in the week, I find myself standing amongst piles of boxes that all our belongings are once again packed into and I realize that packing brings out the absolute worst in me.

It’s a portal to hell, a circle of the fiery inferno.

Packing forces you to not only go through all the shit you own, but all your own emotional shit you’ve packed away for an extended amount of time.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I repacked random cosmetics and toiletries way past their expiration for the fifth time.

Frizzy hair, swollen belly, boobs for the first time in my life, yesterday’s mascara lining my eyes; a gander into my near future.

A lot of people have been asking me how I feel about moving back home and the question itself lodges a lump in my throat.

“I feel sad” I tell them. The simplicity of the word blanketing the micro emotions within it.

Then I tend to vomit the rest of how I really feel, which is pretty much a cocktail of melancholic, annoyed, grateful, pissed off, excited, and a dash of just wanting to lay in a closet full of freshly baked bread and silence.

I have this chip on my shoulder that I have to defend myself when I tell people I’m moving back to Jersey, like I have to prove that I didn’t fail and that my life didn’t blow up and that I’m not a hot mess or that I didn’t like it here because none of those things are true at all, in fact they’re the opposite.

My life is good, like really good; but that doesn’t take away from the a lot-ness of it right now, plus the pregnancy hormones that go with it.

I went to the UPS store this morning to ship something that to my surprise, was going to be really expensive.

As I stood at the counter, the movers called.

Then the car shippers called.

Then my FIL called.

Each leaving messages for me to call them back ASAP.

No joke, 3 different coordinations were calling at the same time while I stood at the desk and the girl behind the computer said “The overnight with packing will be $296.”

The lump in my throat started to form again and I exhaled in defeat. Explaining to her how I was shipping something back to my mom who just flew cross country to help me pack up the whole house in 3 days, my voice shaky.

To know my mother is to know she’s a saint.

The girl rang up the other things I had to ship, which were luckily, way cheaper, and out of the blue leaned over the counter and whispered from behind her mask, “Here’s the shipping label, but I’m not going to charge you.”

I stared blankly at her not 100% sure of what she said and she gave me a kind smile with her eyes.

I thanked her a million times and immediately started bawling as I walked out the door of the UPS store; I haven’t stopped crying since.

And did I mention I’m trying to save another stray dog?

Maybe I am ready to leave the South after all…

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